According to the Huffington Post (HP) yesterday, Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly "methodically tore fellow Fox News pundits Erick Erickson and Lou Dobbs to shreds on Friday for their instantly infamous comments about women in the workplace." Erickson and Dobbs had what the HP derisively calls "a near meltdown" (HP-speak for male hysteria) about recent statistics showing record numbers of women assuming the role of sole or primary breadwinner in their households. This violates the natural order, according to Erickson, who points out that in "the natural world, the roles of a male and a female in society, and other animals, the male typically is the dominant role."
Of course in nature, one male of a species also always comes to the aid of his fellows under siege by the females, or by liberal Internet media outlets. (I believe that happened in Avatar, or maybe it was one of those Hangover movies.) So I have no choice but to wade in to pull my beleaguered man colleagues out of the roiling puddle they just micturated.
You need look no further, my young Simba, than the lion kingdom to see that Dobbs and Erickson are right. The king -- not queen -- of beasts lounges around all day while the lionesses hunt down and kill the pride's prey. I know what you're thinking: "Well, doesn't that make the females the primary breadwinners?" To quote famed animal scientist Jane Goodall ... I mean, uh, Stanley Cohen, "duh." Lions don't eat bread; they're carnivores. Besides, they don't have the opposable digits required to knead dough. The important point is that the male lion's role is to loiter majestically in the sun (think Fabio), claim head-of-the-line privileges at the carrion buffet, mate with his harem, and fend off the occasional upstart competitor trying to horn in on what must be the sweetest gig in nature -- except maybe professional bowling, the only sport in which the athlete drinks beer while practicing. Of course, if a male lion falls to a stronger opponent, he loses his pride -- not to mention his lady lions -- and must slink away into the brush, ragged tail between his legs, to fend for himself. (Round one goes to professional bowling.)
Maybe lions aren't the best example. What about wolves, then? After all, they popularized the term "alpha male." The alpha male of that species leads the pack in the hunt, gets to eat first, and is the only one allowed to mate. Again, very nice work if you can get it. So maybe Erickson and Dobbs are right about the dominant-male-in-nature theory. Then again, if you don't happen to be the alpha male wolf, you're left to groveling belly-up at the paws of the alpha or running around with your own ragtag gang of grumbling (and perpetually horny) outcast males until someone is strong enough to take down a pack's alpha, who then slinks off, ragged tail between ... well, you know the rest of the story. (That's round two for the bowlers, in case anyone lost count.)
All right, let's look at the bird world -- the Emperor (not empress) Penguin, for example. The hardy fellows of that regal species sit on the ice through the long, dark, frigid antarctic winter atop the family's egg, while mommy goes off to frolic in balmier climes.... Forget about that nonsense. One can't seriously compare the human mind to bird brains. I've got it: the black widow spider. After mating, the larger female, er ah ... devours the male. Dang. Men want to win the bread, not be the bread. Okay, black widows aren't a good example either; male arachnids have no spine.
Oh sweet Simba's uncle, this is tougher than I thought.
You know, I'm not actually aware of any species in which the male leaps to the rescue of buddies who're under attack by the females. Sorry Lou Dobbs and Erick Erickson, you're on your own here, brothers. Besides, I need to go find a second job for my wife; I want to cut back on my hours, maybe even quit my day job ... and give that professional bowling gig a whirl.
Join me, Lou and Erick. Are we not (modern) men?
If you liked this article, kindly share or "Like" it. And if you enjoy my blog, be sure to subscribe to it (see blue buttons to the right, just beneath the periscope in San Diego Harbor). Thanks!
SUBSCRIBE TO FUTURE BLOG ARTICLES